...but not quite what I expected! After much unfruitful searching, we finally took some advice from a local expert. Instead of endlessly tramping about in the hills (or braes as they call them around here) we decided to set a trap. We balanced a cardboard box on a stick and under it we placed two items that we were assured were irresistible to any haggis; a Tunnock's teacake (unwrapped of course) and a small glass of finest Malt Scotch. Then we tied a long piece of cotton to the stick and retired to a place of concealment. After about an hour of uncomfortable waiting (heather is very scratchy in the wrong places, I can assure you) we heard some some snuffling and squeaking from the box. Although we couldn't see anything, we guessed it must be a haggis and pulled the string. The box plopped down, and we ran over to it so see what we had captured. As we picked the box up, we heard a small voice singing an old highland song*, and we were certain then that we had got our first haggis.
Imagine our surprise then, when we lifted up the box and were faced not with a small white furry creature, but a bright purple one.
"You're not a haggis - you're purple!" I exclaimed in amazement.
"Am ah no? Then what de ye ken ah am then, ye wee sassenach pup?", came the reply. "Do ye think we're all tartan jobs frae the souvenir shop?"
Well that clinched it. We were clearly mistaken and he definitely was the genuine article. We apologised and, when he had calmed down he explained that his name was Tiny Wee Jock McHaggis of Glenmore. He also told us how, quite against popular belief, haggises come in all colours and sizes, and they're not all white at all - and none of them are tartan.
We soon became good friends, and I was able to ask him a question that had been bothering me ever since he told us his name. "If you're Tiny Wee Jock, does that mean there are much bigger haggises?".
"Oh aye", he replied. "If you like, I'll take ye to meet mah great Uncle Big Wee Jock". Well that sounded great, and what could there be to worry about - I mean, how big could a haggis be?
* The song turned out to be called "Plankton's Lament, or Whale Meet Again". Or something like that.
